Lessons on Empathy

Handicap Parking

Empathy is a concept I’ve never been very clear on and even less good at. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. It relates to emotion, and I am realizing I have a difficult time conveying emotion. Therefore, if I can’t expression my own emotions you can imagine sharing the feelings of another person is totally foreign to me. Or at least it was, until a few months ago. This blog post is not so much about a lesson on empathy that I can provide you, but rather a reflection on the lessons I’ve learned since Andy’s stroke.

But first perhaps a little back story … I grew up as an only child in the 1980’s and the mentality during that era was suck it up and get on with it. Being a family of three, was also a limiting factor as I had no siblings to learn how to be empathetic and it wasn’t overly emphasized in my home. Don’t get me wrong, I grew up in a very loving home. Emotions and sharing them or talking about them were just not a common practice in our house.

I had great role models in my parents. My father, who has passed was a kind, caring and understanding man. He was always positive and never complained, he was a quiet example of strength and goodness. He also worked all the time, so I didn’t get to spend much time with him. My mom on the other hand was a stay home mom until I was in high school and the “get it done” kind of gal. Empathy is not necessarily a characteristic I’d associate with her. She is a more “suck it up Buttercup” and work through the pain kind of person. When I was younger, I was often told that I wore my heart on my sleeve and for whatever reason, I took that as not a good thing as I got my heart broken a lot. Over time I toughened up, and in so doing it became increasingly harder to convey and or express my emotions which in turned made it even harder for me to empathize with others emotionally, or so I thought.

That all changed when Andy had his stroke. Emotionally I did lock up as that was my defense mechanism, if I couldn’t feel, I couldn’t hurt and if I didn’t hurt I could get the job done… and there was a lot of work to take on and manage. So the first four months I was on auto pilot, emotionally shut down except when it all became too much and then I would have a full on break down and cry. I cried a lot….

Then Andy came home, and it was full on Caregiver mode and my Polly Anna positivity went into overdrive! This is when I learned about the concept “Toxic Positivity”, more on that in a future post, but in a nutshell, toxic positivity is another way to suppress your emotions by always looking for a positive side and not allowing yourself to feel any negativity… this in turn makes it hard to feel empathy as you are denying yourself the ability to feel any emotion other that positivity. It is hard to empathize with someone who is feeling sad, or angry or frustrated etc… and put yourself in their shoes if you are not allowing yourself to feel those emotions.

As Andy and I settled into our daily lives which now includes our youngest daughter Bella as she moved out to help, I realized I was having a hard time emotionally. It was time to get some help, sucking it up and get the job done was becoming harder and harder to do. And so I did, it was long overdue. It is interesting talking about your emotions, to a therapist when you’ve basically suppressed many of them most of your life. It is almost out of body and I’m observing myself as I talked, share past experiences and answer questions. It is reflective and that self-reflection has helped me tap into empathy that apparently was there all along, I just didn’t realize it.

Two recent events drove this realization home. The first was at Bookcliff winery, we attempted to go to their Saturday Sunset even and had to come home because all the handicap parking spots were taken and I noticed that the folks that were parked in those spots although they had the handicap tag in their cars, were easily walking away. Whereas Andy could not. We attempted to put his wheelchair together, no one helped and when we tried to wheel through the gravel we couldn’t. So, we packed up the chair, a passing gentleman did ask if I needed help as I was putting the chair parts in the car. We went home. At first, I as so angry that the people that parked in those cherished spots could just walk away and enjoy the sunset, but then I remembered, I was doing the same thing at the grocery store. From that day forward, I stopped. I only park in handicap parking spaces if Andy is in the car.

The second event was at Restoration Vineyard. We were pulling into a handicap space that had a concrete pad, there was a guy standing there with his face glued to his phone. When he finally looked up, he looked over and pointed to the two other handicap spots that were on gravel. Andy had to roll down the window and explain to him that we couldn’t park there because he had a wheelchair. The guy moved slightly, and we were able to park. He remained there ignoring us as I was again putting Andy’s wheelchair together. I was furious, the rage that was going through me was so intense and lasted for days. Then I decided, rather than stay mad at the guy, what I should do is feel sorry for him as he clearly had no concept of empathy and that was something I was very familiar with. So rather than drown in the rage, I said a prayer for him hoping that someday he too might find the ability to have empathy toward others. These two experiences were lessons on empathy for me. I do have the ability to be empathetic! There is a lot more emotions I need to tap into and process so that like Andy and his stroke, I too can heal. Hopefully as we both continue this long road to recovery we will come out on the other side as healthier people each growing together but in different ways.